So, I have been debating on my next entry for a while. I had planned to catalogue this stuff chronologically, but lately something has been on my mind. The general attitude towards women and sex, and sex in society in general.
Yes, we are constantly bombarded by sex in our every day lives, but this isn’t about that. But at the same time as we are in a sex-driven society, you’re not supposed to talk about sex either. This is only partially about that. And third, women and sex. We just can’t win in this area. I feel like there is supposed to be a certain sweet spot that a women exists about the number of sex partners she has, how sexually experienced she is, and also how sexual she portrays herself to be.
This ties into one of the groups I outlined earlier. The ones who does immediately write you off when they find out you haven’t had sex – they keep talking to you, see you a couple times, make you feel like it’s ok, then realize you aren’t sleeping with them right away and get upset.
Now guys, really? I mean, the first time you see a girl you expect her to sleep with you? Yes, there are casual hookups, and those are great for people who are down – go you! – but if you know that’s not the girl, and you still opt to see them, can you still get mad? More than that, you act like nothing is wrong right then and then message them later telling them you expected more. Just think that through for me for a moment.
Yes, this just happened to me recently with a guy I was very attracted to. Actually, it has been an issue from the start with us. Both of us are on completely opposite ends of this sexual experience thing. Literally, covered that in day one. We both kept talking to each others. He knew and understood that I wasn’t going to sleep with him on the first date. We talked for two months, this always one of those outlying issues. Finally we meet. Spend some time together, Seriously make out and go at it… stopping short of sex. He never pressured me for more, and acted ok with stopping. He told me a couple days later he was mad because he hoped for more.
I started talking to another (sexually abstinent) friend of mine. Similar reasoning, just never really pursued it. Here’s what we’ve noticed. According to most of the time a guy hears “I haven’t had sex” and that translates to “I want marriage and a kid.” No. Just no. Why is it always all or nothing?
After my encounter with the guy, I spent a couple hours sitting at a bar and talking to this friend about what is it that I want at this point in my life and what am I really looking for or open to. Trust me, at the end, I confirmed what I already knew, I am about the furthest thing from marriage and kids you can get. Not looking for a hook up or one night stand, but someone I am attracted to, I can trust, and am comfortable enough with to share my life and explore sexuality. I would rather a casual ongoing relationship with this sort of person than a serious relationship with someone whom I am not as sure about.
Let’s get back to the point of this post – and why I chose to start this blog. It is NOT about saving yourself for marriage, or the virtue of your virginity. It is to address sex and talk openly about all our experiences. There are so many “sex positive” things out there nowadays, that someone who isn’t sexually active or a bit less sexually open actually starts to feel ashamed.
We never talked about sex in my house, at all. It was taboo. I am pretty sure my parents even expects us to believe that we were delivered by storks for a while. I remember my mom saying she was terrified to tell her parents when she got pregnant (she had been married 5 years already!) because then it would confirm they were having sex. I couldn’t believe how silly that was… but as I got older and understood more about how I was raised and society expectations played on my approach to sex, I understand it more.
If we can talk openly about sex, then people can be comfortable at all levels of their sexuality – no matter their views of sex. Casual sex your thing? GO YOU! I admire your confidence. Only in serious relationships? Hold those standards, and be proud of them. No sex until marriage? You get a high five, your faith is inspirational. Somewhere in between? Want to try casual sex for once? Just looking to explore life? Normally only a relationship person, but want to have some NSA fun? You can be sexual without being “sexually active.” Do whatever you want! Yes, it is ok.
But society should do more than that. Talk about it. Don’t be afraid to say what you want. As women we are always told to be coy. Don’t say what we want, don’t be open about our feelings. Hell, guys have it worse, they aren’t ALLOWED to have feelings because it isn’t manly. They are taught to be as sexual as they can be and conquer the women out there.
I talked to a guy (Spanish origin) who actually told me that when he is attracted to a girl, he expects to be sexual, and if not, it is tied into his self esteem and he feels she isn’t into him like that. Oh. My. What. The. Hell. How has society put this mentality into guys? Why do we have these expectations and standards of the way people and things should be?
What if you:
Can be open about sex, allow people to do what works for them, and encourage and support each other along the way.
Talk openly about your sexual past like you do about your jobs.
Talk about your preferences and what you want.
Talk about what sex is REALLY like or experiences so people (especially girls) can have realistic expectations.
Talk about safe sex and options.
Talk about consent – for BOTH men and women.