Let’s talk real.

So, I have been debating on my next entry for a while. I had planned to catalogue this stuff chronologically, but lately something has been on my mind. The general attitude towards women and sex, and sex in society in general.

Yes, we are constantly bombarded by sex in our every day lives, but this isn’t about that. But at the same time as we are in a sex-driven society, you’re not supposed to talk about sex either. This is only partially about that. And third, women and sex. We just can’t win in this area. I feel like there is supposed to be a certain sweet spot that a women exists about the number of sex partners she has, how sexually experienced she is, and also how sexual she portrays herself to be.

This ties into one of the groups I outlined earlier. The ones who does immediately write you off when they find out you haven’t had sex – they keep talking to you, see you a couple times, make you feel like it’s ok, then realize you aren’t sleeping with them right away and get upset.

Now guys, really? I mean, the first time you see a girl you expect her to sleep with you? Yes, there are casual hookups, and those are great for people who are down – go you! – but if you know that’s not the girl, and you still opt to see them, can you still get mad? More than that, you act like nothing is wrong right then and then message them later telling them you expected more. Just think that through for me for a moment.

Yes, this just happened to me recently with a guy I was very attracted to. Actually, it has been an issue from the start with us. Both of us are on completely opposite ends of this sexual experience thing. Literally, covered that in day one. We both kept talking to each others. He knew and understood that I wasn’t going to sleep with him on the first date. We talked for two months, this always one of those outlying issues. Finally we meet.  Spend some time together, Seriously make out and go at it… stopping short of sex. He never pressured me for more, and acted ok with stopping. He told me a couple days later he was mad because he hoped for more.

I started talking to another (sexually abstinent) friend of mine. Similar reasoning, just never really pursued it. Here’s what we’ve noticed. According to most of the time a guy hears “I haven’t had sex” and that translates to “I want marriage and a kid.” No. Just no. Why is it always all or nothing?

After my encounter with the guy, I spent a couple hours sitting at a bar and talking to this friend about what is it that I want at this point in my life and what am I really looking for or open to. Trust me, at the end, I confirmed what I already knew, I am about the furthest thing from marriage and kids you can get. Not looking for a hook up or one night stand, but someone I am attracted to, I can trust, and am comfortable enough with to  share my life and explore sexuality. I would rather a casual ongoing relationship with this sort of person than a serious relationship with someone whom I am not as sure about.

Let’s get back to the point of this post  – and why I chose to start this blog. It is NOT about saving yourself for marriage, or the virtue of your virginity. It is to address sex and talk openly about all our experiences. There are so many “sex positive” things out there nowadays, that someone who isn’t sexually active or a bit less sexually open actually starts to feel ashamed.

We never talked about sex in my house, at all. It was taboo. I am pretty sure my parents even expects us to believe that we were delivered by storks for a while. I remember my mom saying she was terrified to tell her parents when she got pregnant (she had been married 5 years already!) because then it would confirm they were having sex. I couldn’t believe how silly that was… but as I got older and understood more about how I was raised and society expectations played on my approach to sex, I understand it more.

If we can talk openly about sex, then people can be comfortable at all levels of their sexuality – no matter their views of sex. Casual sex your thing? GO YOU! I admire your confidence. Only in serious relationships? Hold those standards, and be proud of them. No sex until marriage? You get a high five, your faith is inspirational. Somewhere in between? Want to try casual sex for once? Just looking to explore life? Normally only a relationship person, but want to have some NSA fun? You can be sexual without being “sexually active.” Do whatever you want! Yes, it is ok.

But society should do more than that. Talk about it. Don’t be afraid to say what you want. As women we are always told to be coy. Don’t say what we want, don’t be open about our feelings. Hell, guys have it worse, they aren’t ALLOWED to have feelings because it isn’t manly. They are taught to be as sexual as they can be and conquer the women out there.

I talked to a guy (Spanish origin) who actually told me that when he is attracted to a girl, he expects to be sexual, and if not, it is tied into his self esteem and he feels she isn’t into him like that. Oh. My. What. The. Hell. How has society put this mentality into guys? Why do we have these expectations and standards of the way people and things should be?

What if you:
Can be open about sex, allow people to do what works for them, and encourage and support each other along the way.
Talk openly about your sexual past like you do about your jobs.
Talk about your preferences and what you want.
Talk about what sex is REALLY like or experiences so people (especially girls) can have realistic expectations.
Talk about safe sex and options.
Talk about consent – for BOTH men and women.

Let’s Get Started. Dating Apps.

Ok. This is the age of online dating. When I finally joined this century in technology (upgraded my 5 year old phone) friends were adamant that I get some dating apps. Apparently that’s what kids do nowadays. And since they were all dating someone, they wanted to use my apps to play with and see how they worked.

As I was just finishing my master degree and all my friends were moving away. This pretty much depleted my list of connections and friends in this city. It appeared I had no choice, so I downloaded the apps and dove in.

As someone with little to no social dating experience, this was going to be fun.
I quickly got matched with a  couple of the people who are just looking for hookups. Those fell in various aspects of the categories from before. Some simply said cool and moved on. there were a couple who asked lots of questions, then moved on.

And then there was an amazing amount of people who simply match with you and never response. I STILL don’t understand that. Seriously. Please can someone tell me the logic of this?

Within a couple weeks matched with someone, we talked and decided to grab dinner the next night. Apparently, they were just passing through (which apparenlty is pretty common around here). After trying to make plans to meet, I realized he was expecting something else… so flat out told him I am not sleeping with him. To my surprise, he still wanted to meet up.

Grabbed drinks and food, chatted and went our separate ways. He was cute and made me laugh. The type of guy I could actually like… if he didn’t live literally 3000+ miles away. I thought that was going to be it. Not a terrible first experience.

He actually called me a couple days later… just to say hi. No seriously. the call was “hey! Im out with a friend and you’re the only other person here I know, so I wanted to say hi… HI!… ok, you can hang up now. Bye!” probably one of the most adorable and confusing phone calls of my life.

We actually met up 2 more times that week before he left. Had a great time with low pressure. We did tourist stuff (which I had yet to do in this city), Talked about our lives and dating history (mine was obviously short and sweet). Helped him practice his English – LOVE this, by the way, keeps the conversation fun and ever changing.

On the final night before he left, we grabbed one more drink. It was then he asked me “would you like to kiss me?” My brain is screaming DUH! But I really wasn’t sure I should. He was leaving. I simply respond “should I?”
I looked at him and called him out: “You’re not used to being told no. And you don’t know what to do about it.”
He admitted, “normally I just kiss the girl, I don’t ask permission.”

 

We kissed. We parted. No regrets.

HI. My Name is __. I’m a virgin.

I am going to take a guess and figure dating is hard enough for the average adjusted human… but for a virgin who is apparently passed the socially acceptable age… it is like telling people you can turn invisible. Obviously, it can’t be true. And there are stages:

Confusion: Get ready to repeat yourself 3 times. Seriously. Get comfortable saying it because you will just have to own it and repeat it… A lot. Perhaps this is why I’ve become more and more used to talking about it – because you have to.

Disbelief: “you’re kidding.” “that can’t be right” “never?” again.. You will have to repeat yourself. A few times. Give them time to let it sink in as you prepare for the next stage.

Questions: you just crossed into the Spanish inquisition (actually, I did have this conversation with a spaniard once, so that’s fair). Here is where you start to get a feel for the person. Complete fascination or utter disgust and anger usually follow. – unless they are in the secret incognito group. I’ll get to those soon enough.

This is where they divide up. Luckily, most people – after the onslought of questions – usually just end up going “that’s cool of you. Good luck.” Nice, polite and moving on.

Then there is that group that starts telling you about how much you’re missing and trying to convince you that you need to run out and get laid immediately because how can you still be functioning without sex several times a day. Apparently.

A very rare group takes it in stride. Acknowledges it and moves on. Yes, they might dwell on it from time to time and have lots of questions, but they kinda go with it. Sadly, a person in this group is likely to wave in their coolness as they just don’t know how to handle you – you are clearly a rare unicorn. Do they approach you, watch from afar, or run up and try to ride you?

The last group… incognito… They appear to be to cool with it group but really, they are testing you to see what you let them get away with. Now, all people who are virgins are that way for different reasons. When it comes down to it though, moments of freakout when things move beyond your current experience are bound to happen. And people.. listen up – if someone stops the course of action this likely is not a reflection of how sexy they find you, but more just momentarily freaking out and need a time out. Please Stand By. However, if the person you are with is in this last group, you’re likely never going to hear from them again when they realize – wow.. she really isn’t kidding.

 

Sigh.

 

Dear Diary.. at the beginning

First. About me.

From small town USA. Left home at 17. Blew right through undergrad. Have my master degree. I am on the later half of my 28th year and like most millennials, work many jobs and have no idea what I am doing with my life.

I come from a stable middle class home with one older sibling. Yes I am the youngest, often I would have to overcompensate to to help balance out whatever the latest trouble older sibling got themselves into.

I’ve always been a fairly strong introvert with anxiety tendencies. Crowds kinda freak me out and I’ve never been comfortable being the center of attention. I’ve even been told that I dress with more than my fair conservativeness (although others say I dress provocative.. eye of the beholder?). That is all a long way to say… I am a 28 year old virgin.

Lets get the common questions out of the way.

No I am not saving myself till marriage

Yes, people have offered

No, I don’t really see it as an issue most of the time

Really only reason is I kept waiting to be in a relationship. That just hasn’t happened.

If I am being honest, and why not, this is the internet, it has a lot to do with me just never being comfortable enough with myself to take that step. Whether it is anxiety (what if i get pregnant? I don’t know what I am doing, I might screw this up! Will it hurt? Dear god why did no one have the sex talk with me?!), lack of self confidence, lack of trust in my partner…. I could list out possible reasons all day. Fact is, I am a virgin. And most days, I am ok with that.

Never really gave it much thought until recently. Dating and relationships have never been a priority. Never really wanted to get married. I’ll buy kids if I want them. And really, had other things to do like school and work. But now here I am. 28. With a master degree. Feeling like i am finally on the verge of getting my life together (I know I am not, but let a girl dream!)  Then at graduation something horrible happened.. All my friends moved away! Great. Now who’s going to entertain and feed me?

So, out of a somewhat necessity and somewhat curiosity i decide to start making dating a priority.

These are my adventures….